Jaded
Thursday, Jun. 17, 2004 11:42 a.m.
I want to be an optimist but the world seems more and more messed up every day.
I see people in abusive relationships they can't get out of. I remember the one I escaped from; "Long is the way/ And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light". I can only watch and empathise, and dread the day they give up on themselves and on life.
I see people looking for love, and not finding it. Good people, intelligent people, beautiful people, lonely people. There is not one person out there for them. Where are they? Are all the good ones taken? I see the ones who are taken and so many of them aren't good at all. I think about the love I have now, and I wonder how long it will last. I will not apologise for my happiness, I work hard on my relationship and I deserve to be happy, but still I worry. Maybe one day the bubble will burst and I will be among those seeking love and never finding it.
I see war and acts of terror. Armies move in, they try to put an end to cruel totalitarian regimes or terrorism, but they leave before the job is done. The enemies lie low, waiting for them to leave, waiting to strike again. Other groups blow up buildings and people, for whatever reason they feel justifies the senseless destruction of humanity. No end to the violence, nor any resolution.
I see the economy never recovering. Things are so expensive, and I'm realising this more and more now that I'm living on my own in a bigger apartment under my name. I go to the supermarket and spend $30 at a time. Whatever I buy lasts me 5 days. That's 5 meals. IF I eat at home. If I don't it's at least $5 for coffee when I meet friends, or $15 for movie tickets and a decent meal. I worry about rent and utilities all the time. I can pay for them, but it means I have so little for myself when I'm done. I earn just enough to keep myself alive, and to support my mother and brothers a bit. I need a vacation. I need new clothes. I can't afford either, much less both. I'm sick of this life. I'm sick of people telling me to move back to my mother's and save on rent. Fuck you. Just because you're waiting to get married before you move out doesn't mean I have to. Maybe you have your own room in your parents' house. I DON'T. I WON'T. Then you turn around and say, why complain? What the fuck is it that you want? You want to make me feel bad for not living with my parents, and make yourself feel better because you do? Fuck you.
I've never felt this helpless since I was in high school, learning about global warming and animal testing, enraged by the selfishness of adults who run the world and knowing there wasn't anything I could do about it.
When I do go on holiday to some island, I appreciate the simplicity of life there even as I realise I cannot be a part of it. Because to live that life means to earn less, to have even less, and even if I'm willing to forgo many things for myself, I have dependents who need me. Need my money.
I'm so tired.
Older entries
Ramadan - 08 October 2006
Where I Have Been - 03 October 2006
Baby Talk - 10 August 2006
6 Weeks of Separation - 16 July 2006
Unacceptable Rudeness - 21 June 2006