Wedding Blues
13 August 2005 1:19 am
A wedding is a logistical nightmare. Some days I feel like eloping. I will upset my family, but then again, if I have a wedding the way I would like it to be, I might upset my family anyway, so might as well elope, right?
It annoys me the way things have to be so complicated. It starts with two people who love each other deciding to commit the rest of their lives to giving each other happiness. Then, bit by bit, it turns into a huge-scale affair involving everyone. By then the wedding is no longer about the couple and has become a tedious exercise in making everybody - that is, everybody except the bride and groom - happy. There will be tearful arguments between the couple and their family members about how things should be done. Every aspect of the wedding will come under fire. Filial piety is questioned. Ultimatums are issued. Feelings are hurt. Wrongs are remembered and unresolved issues will rear their ugly heads in future family arguments. It's a miracle if anyone enjoys himself or herself on the wedding day.
This is how I want my wedding to be. I want the reception to be held at a holiday bungalow in Changi. I have found one that is perfect for the occasion: it is a beautiful mansion that faces the sea, with its own private lawn and driveway. It looks like this. I can already imagine how the place will be transformed. There will be a white marquee on the lawn under which the guests will sit at long banquet tables decorated with flowers. The food will be plentiful; the meal will be a buffet lunch, but there will also be a barbecue. I will wear a beautiful dress in a light, flowy material, while my husband will wear a suit or a traditional costume in linen or any other material suited for the hot, sunny weather. There will be room for children to run around. This will be the wedding of my dreams: simple and intimate.
I don't want people telling me what I should wear. I will wear what makes me look good, and most importantly what makes me comfortable. I can see myself in traditional costume for the solemnisation, but I cannot be expected to endure the outdoor heat wearing velvet, brocade or songket, the fabrics of choice in traditional costumes. It is a cruelty to expect me to. If I am modestly dressed and I look good, what does it matter if my dress is Western or traditional? Don't you think, after years of dressing myself, I would know what looks best and most appropriate on me? Besides, let's not forget that more outfits mean more money, and I don't have money to spend on renting ten costumes just to make other people happy.
I don't want people telling me how many trays of hantaran gifts my husband-to-be and I should exchange. Shouldn't it be up to the couple to decide, according to their means? Who is counting the trays? Why does it matter? Anyone who is close to my heart would not think less of me if let's say I decide on ten, and not twenty different gift items. If you are close to me you will know exactly what my financial situation is, and you will understand. Most importantly, if the couple themselves are happy with the gifts that they receive, why should other people matter?
I especially don't want people to tell me how many people I should invite. I know who I should invite. If I can only afford to feed 100 people, why insist that I invite 200, or 500, or 1000? Who pays for the excess people? Let me tell you, it won't be me.
I think it's easy to forget what I had to go through before I arrived at this momentous stage in my life. I spent five years in an abusive relationship and when it finally ended, it was a huge relief. Amazingly, just months after the break-up, people were already asking me when I was getting married. Yes, in spite of the fact that I wasn't with anyone yet. I went out with a few people and they were all wrong for me, and finally, I met a kind and beautiful person who can love me the way I want to be loved and makes me feel stronger, and happier than I've ever been with a man, and who now wants to spend the rest of my life with me. Isn't that a miracle? Isn't that wonderful? Isn't that a good reason to celebrate? Shouldn't the wedding be about making us, rather than other people, happy? Why can't people help to make our wedding plans come true, the way we want it, instead of just telling us what to do?
How come, when it comes to weddings, people conveniently forget about the fundamentals of Islam? Where does it say in the Quran that there has to be twenty trays of gifts, six or eight sets of costumes to be worn, or a $10,000 dowry? Nowhere. So don't use religion against me.
This is an entry that is not directed at anyone. It is written to express my frustrations at the bits and pieces of "suggestions", couched as "adat" that must be followed, that I have received so far. If you didn't say it to me, then it's not about you. But know that I've been listening to everyone's ideas and I feel alone and sad because no one ever asks me about my ideas, or my husband-to-be's. I worry about money all the time and meanwhile all I get are not cost-saving ideas but reasons why I should do more. No one cares how much it's all going to cost me, and if I will be bankrupt by the end of everything.
I'm sad. Very sad.
There's no wedding without a bride. Remember that.
Older entries
Ramadan - 08 October 2006
Where I Have Been - 03 October 2006
Baby Talk - 10 August 2006
6 Weeks of Separation - 16 July 2006
Unacceptable Rudeness - 21 June 2006
