Hospitality
29 January 2005 3:21 pm
One thing that needs to be managed when we visit friends, family members and/or relatives abroad is our expectations. On the one hand, we are essentially on vacation and we expect a good time. On the other hand, we are visiting people who are not themselves on vacation, who are going about their daily lives at the time that we arrive. It's not too difficult to see how conflicts can arise between us and them.
The first source of conflict is hospitality. One of the perks of having friends or family living in the city/country we're going to is the prospect of free accommodation. That translates into big savings, which means either a cheap vacation or more money to spend there on shopping or sight-seeing. We expect to be warmly welcomed after being away for so long, and we expect at least a comfortable stay at our host's place. Conflicts arise when we have different definitions of "comfort". Most of us do not expect a room of luxury hotel furnishings and fixtures. However, a creaky bed can annoy us. An apartment located along a busy road or a train station, or one surrounded by construction works, can be too noisy. A house without hot water can be intolerable. A room in a house inhabited by a large family can lack the privacy that we need. In other words, while our hosts assume that they have done their part by opening their homes to us, sometimes it is not enough. We may be inclined to complain, or to feel that they did not do their best to make us feel welcome. We crave the comforts of home even more and if we don't watch it, we will spoil our own vacation.
I think it only takes a little self-reflection on our part to avoid such unpleasantness. We have to be honest with ourselves and come clean with what we can and cannot live with as far as accommodation goes. It must be clear in our heads if, say, we cannot deal with the absence of a water heater, or an air-conditioner. If our friend/relative is unable to provide for those needs, we must be prepared to find an alternative accommodation, even if it means forgoing the huge savings. If we do take up our host's offer of accommodation in spite of their inability to meet some of our needs, then it is our duty to shut up and put up with the inconveniences. We must have faith that our host has provided us with the best that he/she can offer, and that it is a question of income and not willingness that has made him/her unable to provide more. Thinking the worst of our host does not help anybody.
The second source of conflict is time. Depending on when we arrive, our host may or may not have time to entertain us. We may expect to be driven around for sight-seeing or shopping by our host, but they may have to work or be tied up in other things. Remember that we're the ones on vacation, not them. An easy way to get around this problem of time and timing is to try and synchronise your vacation time as far as possible, or to tell your host in advance when you will arrive. That way your host can free up his/her time to be with you as much as possible, or inform you if that is not possible so that you can make alternative plans with your time when you're in town. In fact, it's always a good idea to have your own itinerary. If you're visiting family, you can expect to have caught up with everyone you haven't seen in 3 days, a week at most. If you've booked a 2-week trip, you should plan what to do with the remaining 7 to 10 days. I find this a perennial problem, because I live in the one of the smallest, not to mention most boring, countries in the world. This is not the place for anyone to spend longer than a week, to be honest. It's best for anyone who's coming to visit to use Singapore as a stepping stone to other countries in the region, like Malaysia and Indonesia. If you've been to the Singapore Zoo and all the other touristy places here, there's no place left for me to take you except to cafes and pubs for drinks, or to concerts or plays at the Esplanade.
The third, and last, source of conflict is our expectations of reciprocity. We visit our friends and relatives abroad when the opportunity presents itself, and we in turn play host to them when they come. Sometimes we forget the existing differences in one another's income level, standard of living and cost of living, and expect to be treated, when we are guests, the way we are able to treat our guests when we played host. It is an unfair expectation, but something that comes naturally to all of us. On the surface, it does seem unfair to be told to bring our own towels when we came to visit if we were able to provide fresh, clean towels from our own linen cabinet every day for our guests the last time they dropped by. However we only need to look at how our host lives his/her life to remind ourselves that we have different lifestyles. Someone who only has 2 bath towels to his/her name will never be able to provide fresh, clean ones on a daily basis for us. Someone who takes the bus or train to work will probably be reluctant to spend a lot of money on cab fares while you're in town, unless you're the one paying. The bottom line is, no one really wants to change his/her lifestyle just because you're in town for a few days or weeks. Most of us would rather that our guests adapt to us than the other way round.
I've learned a lot about myself from playing host and from visiting friends and family abroad. I have been a difficult guest on a few occasions, and a disappointed guest once, and I have been driven up the wall as a host a couple of times. I take these experiences as important lessons. The most important thing I've learned, is that communicating your expectations, whether as a host or as a guest, can save you from ugly conflicts.
Older entries
Ramadan - 08 October 2006
Where I Have Been - 03 October 2006
Baby Talk - 10 August 2006
6 Weeks of Separation - 16 July 2006
Unacceptable Rudeness - 21 June 2006