Change, when good, can still be a pain in the ass
30 October 2004 3:22 pm
At the end of the day I must still ask myself, do I still want to carry on teaching? What do I love about it, and what do I detest about it? These are important questions that need to be answered, because there is no way I want to have another breakdown again, next year. Yes, I won't be leaving for New York till the end of 2005, but do I have to stay in teaching before I leave?
Whenever I watch ads promoting teaching, whether it's teaching in NYC or Singapore, I get a flashback of the teacher I wanted to be, before I got frustrated and jaded by the harsh reality of the profession. I love teaching because I like making a difference to kids, playing a role in shaping their character and getting them to the next stage of their lives. I enjoy planning lessons, and I'm all for pedagogical innovation, as long as it's sound and it works. I don't mind playing the role of counsellor. I do not have the maternal touch, but I can listen and empathise and give good advice which have helped my students cope better with their problems. I like the challenge of getting students to realise their other talents, be it dancing or creative writing or debating, and build on them. These things keep me going.
I cannot deal with crap management. I absolutely cannot. It eats into my conscience. It makes me feel like I'm on a plane that's about to crash into some building, or a ship that's sailing to the edge of the world and off it. It's the idea that I'm in a place of doom that I can't live with. If policies suck, and I can see that they do and I give my feedback on it but they're implemented anyway, I hate the feeling I get watching everything get rolled out and then eventually torn down because, well, it was crap to begin with. It's like watching someone tied to the railway tracks get run over by the train; you see it coming, and you watch it happen anyway because there's nothing you can do.
I also cannot deal with crap colleagues. Racist ones, those who are tactless and say all the wrong things to you without realising that they're pissing you off, sanctimonious holybook-thumping ones, ra-ra ones who are optimistic about every single fucking thing and NEVER EVER stop (as in SHUT THE FUCK UP) and LISTEN to YOU and what you have to say because they're too busy evangelising blind devotion to the organisation, lazy ones, and selectively stupid ones who find every excuse not to do something because of some bullshit disability like not being able to type fast (though fast enough to write emails to friends). When the kids get the better of you, you retreat to the staff room for refuge and comfort. If the staff room becomes another level of Hell, there's no point being around.
I can get out, not be part of any of this. In all honesty, I will be a much happier, nicer person if I quit. It will sound like an ungrateful and mean-spirited thing to do, to say fuck you to everything and not give a damn about the kids I leave behind. But if I don't, all the resentment will just eat at me until I can longer separate my seething inner self from my competent outer self, and I stop being competent altogether.
There is much to reflect on. And I must. Because today I came home from school feeling unhappy, feeling as if my bout of depression may just turn out to be an annual affair.
Older entries
Ramadan - 08 October 2006
Where I Have Been - 03 October 2006
Baby Talk - 10 August 2006
6 Weeks of Separation - 16 July 2006
Unacceptable Rudeness - 21 June 2006